Choose To Be Humble

Silly Grandkids saying Happy Valentine's Day

The "Girls"

In President Ezra Taft Benson’s message, Beware of Pride, he warned, “God will have a humble people. Either we can choose to be humble or we can be compelled to be humble...Let us choose to be humble.”1

Nineteen years ago I experienced a situation where I was compelled to be humble. I was working then at my part-time job at the JC Penney shoe department on a Monday afternoon when I received a phone call from my husband telling me he had been laid-off and was on his way home. The previous two weeks he had used up all of his vacation hours to help me at our girl’s camp and attend scout camp with our son. I felt this was a harsh thing to happen after he sacrificed so much for my calling and his calling with the young men.

The next few months I struggled emotionally because I am a person that does not share difficulties with others very easily. Also I tried to keep up a brave face for our five kids and the YW that I served as their YW President. I suffered in silence and started to feel discouraged and angry because we had to take our kids out of lessons, change drastically our household budget and Christmas was right around the corner. It became hard to go to Church or interact with our neighbors because I did not want to let them know our financial situation. My marriage was also struggling because we were turning away from each other instead of counseling together. President Benson said, “Pride adversely affects all our relationships—our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind.”1

In Alma 32:6 Alma saw a certain group of the Zoramites were despised by the other Zoramites because they were poor and were ready to hear the word of God. “For he beheld that their afflictions had truly humbled them, and they were in a preparation to hear the word.”2 Our family received many tender mercies during this time as our neighbors and our ward family showed great kindness to us. My prideful attitude crumbled as I started praying more sincerely and giving thanks for all of the blessings and tender mercies received day by day. Dale and I were able to discuss our situation and our options with a humbler and submissive attitude. I love this encouragement from President Benson, “We can choose to humble ourselves by loving God, submitting our will to His, and putting Him first in our lives. Let us choose to be humble. We can do it. I know we can.”1

Dale was able to change careers and get a job which was much better then the one he had. What is a great lesson we leaned from this experience? As I have faced much harder difficulties, I have tried to be one who is humble instead of having to be compelled to be humble. President Benson said, “Pride is the great stumbling block to Zion. We must cleanse the inner vessel by conquering pride.”1

How to Make a Good Marriage Great

In my past neighborhood I watched a couple older then Dale and I struggle in their marriage during the past twenty-five years. The husband is now in-active and the wife continues to faithfully try and live her covenants. What happened to this strong couple who raised five children, four of which are married in the temple and raising their children in the church.

            Elder Hafen in a talk titled, Covenant Marriage, gives us a few clues of how Satan tries to tear marriages apart. He said, “Satan drives us away from each other today with wedges of distrust and suspicion. He exaggerates the need for having space, getting out, and being left alone. Some people believe him—and then they wonder why they feel left alone.” 1

This couple I mentioned started this process many years ago of “getting out, having space.” He started a business which required him to travel constantly and it became such he was gone more than he was home. His wife, being lonely after her kids were in school, started developing her musical talents and started performing and leaving the home frequently. Their lives became separate and the only interest they had in common was their children. They are still together because they made the decision many years ago to keep their family together, but they have an empty marriage.

In our marriage, Dale and I want it to continue on into the eternities. We could not imagine a life without each other. I would like to share Twenty Ways to Make a Good Marriage Great by Richard W. Linford.2  we were taught many years ago during our early years of marriage. Working on all of these has helped us stay focused on our relationship and in tune to each others needs.

1.     Night and Morning Prayer … to say thanks, to ask for help in your marriage and family, to worship together.

2.     A Weekly Planning Meeting … to discuss the calendar, talk over needs and problems, decide priorities and next steps. (Write decisions in a journal, including goals and discussion topics, and reasons for each.)

3.     A Daily Phone Call or Personal Conversation … to say “I love you,” to touch base, to discuss the day, to show you care.

4.     A Weekly Date … to a favorite park, a concert, the library, the gym; or staying home for a candlelight dinner, a game, or a mutual hobby.

5.     Patience Regardless … of missed meals, tardiness, forgotten favors, a thoughtless remark, impatience.

6.     Daily Service … helping with house or yard work, mending a piece of clothing, taking a turn with the sick baby, fixing a favorite meal. (Write it down. Do it!)

7.     A Budget … to tie down income and expenses, help set financial goals, and give you control over your finances.

8.     Listening … not only to what is said, but also to what is meant.

9.     Regular Attendance … at church—and where possible—the temple.

10.  Daily Scripture Reading … to learn the gospel, to receive inspiration for yourself and your marriage, to become more like Jesus.

11.  Working Together … caring for a garden, painting a bedroom, washing the car, scrubbing floors, building a piece of furniture, writing a poem together, team teaching a class.

12.  Forgiving Each Other … always learning from each other, trying a different way, being the first to make peace.

13.  Courtesies … like saying please and thank you, not interrupting or belittling, not doing all the talking, continuing the niceties of courtship.

14.  Soft and Kind Words … of tenderness, compassion, empathy.

15.  Learning Together by … reading to each other, discussing ideas, taking a class.

16.  Respecting … opinions, ideas, privacy.

17.  Supporting Your Spouse’s … Church callings and righteous goals.

18.  Caring for Your Spouse’s Family by … enjoying their company, praying for them, serving them, overlooking differences.

19.  Occasional Gifts … such as a note, a needed item—but mostly gifts of time and self.

20.  Loving with All Your Heart. “Thou shalt love thy wife [thy husband] with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her [him] and none else.” (D&C 42:22.)

See the Good in Your Companion

       

Years ago Dale and I started a business and kept it going for seven long years. During this time money was scarce, Dale worked long hours, our five kids were all in grade school and busy, and I was a Young Women’s president. Our life seemed to be off balance because Dale and I were not taking time to strengthen our marriage. I was feeling resentment and discouragement towards the business because I felt it was taking the life out of our marriage and family. During a Sunday church meeting I felt impressed to change my attitude and start to make the best out of our current situation. First thing I tried to do was connect with Dale in more meaningful ways such as, take him lunch and visit with him about the kids and make sure he felt my support and love several times a day. While the kids were in school I sometimes went to the lab to help with chores and most of all, I stopped complaining. These simple things brought joy back into our marriage. We became a team again and were able to be more effective parents during this stressful time. 

President Henry B. Eyring in his talk, Our Perfect Example 1 counseled couples to “Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion.”

This past weekend Dale and I celebrated our 36th anniversary by escaping to a warmer city for a few days. During the drive home we talked about some of the difficult challenges we face now such as; financially getting prepared for retirement and serving missions, issues with our health, how we can be a greater support to our kids and grandkids, and how to handle the needs of my Mom. It is so much easier to tackle these issues as we work together as a team, knowing we have each other’s back.

One of the activities for my marriage class we chose to do this week was to pick ten qualities we cherish about each other and to keep this list close so we can continue to feel gratitude for having the relationship we share. The qualities which stood out to me from the list for Dale are; capable, cheerful, curious, devoted, forgiving, fun, kind, original, resourceful, problem-solving, original, spiritual and trustworthy. I love this man so much more now then I did when we first married.

Friendship in Marriage

            Dale and I began our relationship on the ski slopes. During my second year of college my roommate and I would join his apartment and go night skiing a few nights a week after classes. Since Dale and I were on the same level, we would head off to ski the runs we were comfortable with. During the ride up the mountain we had lots of time to talk about everything and we became good friends. He tried to act like a big brother and set me up with each of his roommates and we would discuss the dates and how they went. We would also talk about our families, our future educational plans, our current classes, and what hobbies and talents we enjoyed doing. We never had a problem sharing what we were really thinking and feeling during our time on the ski lift. At the end of this semester, before I headed home for the summer, he expressed his love for me. During the summer we wrote letters weekly about our jobs, activities we were involved with, and our feelings for each other. I recently pulled these letters out and realized what a treasure they are. We strengthened our friendship during these lonely months we were apart.

            During the fall semester we became engaged. Because of our need to get away from roommates and have time to talk, we started taking walks through the neighborhoods surrounding our apartment complex. This became a habit we have continued to do during our 36 years of marriage. We found it is a productive time to talk about any stresses we are dealing with in our relationship, whether it be with our marriage, raising kids, jobs, extended family, or whatever. It is hard to get angry when you are holding hands and walking. Elder Marlin K. Jensen in a talk titled, Friendship, A Gospel Principle 1, described the blessings of friendship within a marriage. He said, “Friendship is…a vital and wonderful part of courtship and marriage. A relationship between a man and a woman that begins with friendship and then ripens into romance and eventually marriage will usually become an enduring, eternal friendship. Nothing is more inspiring in today’s world of easily dissolved marriages than to observe a husband and wife quietly appreciating and enjoying each other’s friendship year in and year out as they experience together the blessings and trials of mortality.”

            In a chapter I read this week in Dr. John M. Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman said, “At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship…These couples tend to know each other intimately—they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.”

            Keeping and strengthening our friendship during all of the challenges and trials of life has been a priority for us. It also takes a lot of effort and time to show this “abiding regard for each other” through thick and thin. Now we are empty nesters and the rewards of our efforts are paying off. We are still the best of friends and we enjoy being together. I still chuckle when I read the poem I included below from Eve Merriam 3.  Hopefully it will help remind us what will happen with our marriages if we let distractions separate us.

TeeVee

In the house

of Mr and Mrs Spouse

he and she

would watch teevee

and never a word

between them spoken

until the day

the set was broken.

Then “How do you do?”

said he to she,

“I don’t believe

that we’ve met yet.

Spouse is my name.

What’s yours?” he asked.

“Why, mine’s the same!”

said she to he,

“Do you suppose that we could be…?”

But the set came suddenly right about,

and so they never did find out.

Interdependent Parts of a Duet

President Bednar in his talk, Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan 1 said, “The man and the women contribute differently but equally to a oneness and a unity that can be achieved in no other way. The man completes and perfects the woman and the woman completes and perfects the man as they learn from and mutually strengthen and bless each other.” In 2 Corinthians 8:13-14 we are promised in our marriage relationship, “But by an equality, that …your abundance many be a supply for their want, that their abundance also may be a supply for your want: that there may be equality.”

What divine differences do we bring with us from our pre-mortal life? According to The Family: A Proclamation to the World, 2 women are blessed with a nurturing spirit and men are blessed with the desire to provide and protect their families. In my home, Dale has always enjoyed rough housing with the kids and being loud and expressive. I am the parent who usually can tell when a child is hurting, whether it be inside or out. Dale is the parent my teenagers and young adults would call for financial advice, car repair questions, request for blessings, etc. I usually received the calls when a heart had been broken or feelings hurt or they just need some words of kindness and love. When we go on hikes as a family, Dale is leading the way, sharing his vast knowledge of nature and geology with his grandchildren. I am usually near the end of the group helping the slowest little ones along the path. We each have our different divine attributes and strengths which our family has come to value.

One success Dale and I have achieved during our 35 years of marriage is having each other’s back. For example, one night we had an impromptu group of fifteen family members come by. Half of them ate dinner with us and the other half came for dessert. My nephew was in town and decided he could come visit us so we hurried and invited extended family over to see him. After working on my schoolwork most of the day, I did not have much time to throw a meal together for our guests. Dale quit work early, helped me clean up messes around the house from our kids and grandkids visit the day before, and we threw together a meal. We ended up having a fun night and I was sane enough to interact with each family member. in crises situations we often operate like a couple dancing a waltz together where each movement is in sync with your partners. A few days later he was jackhammering rocks in our back yard to be hauled away and I could tell his 58-year old body was exhausted. So I hurried out to help stack up the rocks and clean up the grass so he could quit.

Elder Hafen described why this happens in his talk, Crossing Thresholds and Becoming Equal Partners.3  He said, “In the little kingdom of family, each spouse freely gives something the other does not have and without which neither can be complete and return to God’s presence. Spouses are not a soloist with an accompanist, nor are they two solos. They are the interdependent parts of a duet, singing together in harmony at a level where no solo can go.”

 

           This is what the restored gospel teaches us. Neither one is fully dependent on the other and neither should be independent of each other. I have seen, as Dale and I are trying to become individually and as a couple closer to Christ, we grow closer as a couple.