Friendship in Marriage

            Dale and I began our relationship on the ski slopes. During my second year of college my roommate and I would join his apartment and go night skiing a few nights a week after classes. Since Dale and I were on the same level, we would head off to ski the runs we were comfortable with. During the ride up the mountain we had lots of time to talk about everything and we became good friends. He tried to act like a big brother and set me up with each of his roommates and we would discuss the dates and how they went. We would also talk about our families, our future educational plans, our current classes, and what hobbies and talents we enjoyed doing. We never had a problem sharing what we were really thinking and feeling during our time on the ski lift. At the end of this semester, before I headed home for the summer, he expressed his love for me. During the summer we wrote letters weekly about our jobs, activities we were involved with, and our feelings for each other. I recently pulled these letters out and realized what a treasure they are. We strengthened our friendship during these lonely months we were apart.

            During the fall semester we became engaged. Because of our need to get away from roommates and have time to talk, we started taking walks through the neighborhoods surrounding our apartment complex. This became a habit we have continued to do during our 36 years of marriage. We found it is a productive time to talk about any stresses we are dealing with in our relationship, whether it be with our marriage, raising kids, jobs, extended family, or whatever. It is hard to get angry when you are holding hands and walking. Elder Marlin K. Jensen in a talk titled, Friendship, A Gospel Principle 1, described the blessings of friendship within a marriage. He said, “Friendship is…a vital and wonderful part of courtship and marriage. A relationship between a man and a woman that begins with friendship and then ripens into romance and eventually marriage will usually become an enduring, eternal friendship. Nothing is more inspiring in today’s world of easily dissolved marriages than to observe a husband and wife quietly appreciating and enjoying each other’s friendship year in and year out as they experience together the blessings and trials of mortality.”

            In a chapter I read this week in Dr. John M. Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman said, “At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship…These couples tend to know each other intimately—they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.”

            Keeping and strengthening our friendship during all of the challenges and trials of life has been a priority for us. It also takes a lot of effort and time to show this “abiding regard for each other” through thick and thin. Now we are empty nesters and the rewards of our efforts are paying off. We are still the best of friends and we enjoy being together. I still chuckle when I read the poem I included below from Eve Merriam 3.  Hopefully it will help remind us what will happen with our marriages if we let distractions separate us.

TeeVee

In the house

of Mr and Mrs Spouse

he and she

would watch teevee

and never a word

between them spoken

until the day

the set was broken.

Then “How do you do?”

said he to she,

“I don’t believe

that we’ve met yet.

Spouse is my name.

What’s yours?” he asked.

“Why, mine’s the same!”

said she to he,

“Do you suppose that we could be…?”

But the set came suddenly right about,

and so they never did find out.