Courtship Patterns Before Marriage

     This week in my marriage class we discussed chemistry in relationships and the pitfalls of it being the most important factor. John Van Epp in his book, How to Avoid Falling in Love With a Jerk, brought up a study done by Professor Ted Huston at the University of Texas on personal and romantic relationships. He identified the following four patterns of courtship:

• Early Exciters-Couples whose relationship had emotionally draining breakups followed by intense making up. They should not have gotten married.
• Firework Romances-Couple who fell quickly and madly in love but did not work to build a lasting marriage relationship. The beginning was amazing but quickly lost its spark with unrealistic expectations and differences which had not been identified.
• Status Quo Settlers-These couples had a fairly boring courtship but felt getting married would add the excitement and intensity they had not experienced up to this point. They found out the problems in their courtship only intensified when married.
• Stable Loving Investors-These couples did not have a “drama” relationship. They worked hard during courtship to build a warm and cooperative relationship. These couples have enjoyed long and satisfying marriages because they both fell in love through getting to know each other. Huston called them “enduring-dynamic couples” because the patterns they developed during the first two years of marriage changed very little during the next ten years. Falling in love was important but a strong friendship helped solidify the relationship. 

Which type of pattern is your courtship?

The RAM Model to Identify Healthy Relationships

The Ram (Relationship Attachment Model) can help determine if you are in a healthy relationship. It is a tool developed by John Van Epp to help assess relationships using five fundamental dynamics which describe the depth of how you know, trust, rely, commit and touch another person. How do these five concepts of relationship bonds interact with each other? Is the first example how a healthy relationship would appear? This relationship is full of touch without knowing, trusting, relying or committing to the other person. A rule for creating a safe relationship is, “Never go further in one bonding area than you have gone in the previous.” Your commitment to the other person should never be higher than rely, trust or know. The second example shows a relationship where the couple has balance and is planted securely in the “safe zone.” Balancing all five bonding dynamics will help determine the healthiness of your relationship and whether you see the other person with a clear lens.


Reference
Van Epp, J. (2008). How To Avoid Falling In Love With A Jerk: The Foolproof Way To Follow         Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind (2nd ed.). New York: McGraw-Hill Professional         Publishing.

Developing Healthy Ties With Our Extended Families

An article I read this week for my class was based on the scripture in Genesis 2:24 which says, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mothers, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Several excellent suggestions were given to help us navigate through our journey of marriage and form our own family unit while maintaining a healthy relationship with in-laws and extended family.1 A few I have found valuable during my marriage and my experience as an “in-law” are:

• Couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side. 
•  Counsel from outside sources should be considered prayerfully by both spouses together.
•  Parents give their children two things: roots to grow and wings to fly.
•  One of the great gifts parents-in-law can give to their married children is to recognize early that they must help define and protect the boundary of this new couple.
• Parents who try to create a climate of safety in which children can express their feelings about how involved they want to be will have the greatest potential for positive influence in their children’s and grandchildren’s lives.
•  Strong marriages are built by what couples choose to do once they are married and by what parents and siblings on both sides do to help support them.
•  While awkward at first, stronger bonds are formed when in-law children call their in-law parents Mom and Dad and get past the idea that this somehow compromises their loyalty to their own parents.

One of the greatest challenges Dale and I have experienced in our marriage is caring for our parents in their elderly years. If we had not established healthy ties with them and our siblings, this experience would possibly have damaged our marriage relationship because of the burdens and stresses associated with their care. During the past two decades Dale and I have heavily participated in the care of our parents in many different ways. Three of our loved ones have passed on during the last four years after years of health challenges. My father-in-law died at 92 after struggling with severe dementia and having to be moved to a care facility. The family had to provide someone with him 24 hours a day because the staff could not handle his behavior before he got to the point of receiving the medication you get at the end of life. My mother-in-law also was 92 when she passed on. She lived with family for 2-3 years and we all fixed her home up to get ready to sell during this time. It was a difficult, very emotional process. My Dad had a severe stroke suddenly and I was with him when this happened and stayed at the hospital for the next week with him, my Mom, and my siblings till he passed. My kids, as usual, took care of everything at home for me and Dale.

 My Mom is now 88 years old and I am her care-giver, which is a role I am so grateful to have. In spite of all the time and sacrifice which has often been challenging, neither Dale and I would take back one moment because of the precious memories we have to remember and cling to. Our five children were teenagers and entering into college, marriage and mission years when they had to start sharing us with the grandparents. They understood the needs of their grandparents and were often a part of their care. Dale parent’s and mine needed help with their yard work and doing chores so this was an additional responsibility our kids had. We also tried to continue including our parents in our kid’s activities, which meant picking them up and driving them home because they could not drive themselves. Dale’s parents lived 45 minutes away so this was not always an easy task. During the past 10 years I needed to drive my parents to their doctor appointments and to other places they either needed to or wanted to go. Usually we would go on an adventure a couple of times a month of their own choosing. Our kids had to understand the needs of the grandparents sometimes were more important than theirs. They were able to develop compassion and patience.

Hopefully when Dale and I get to the point when we will need help, our kids will step in and help us. Elder Marvin J. Ashton in his talk, He Took Them By The Hand 2, said “Certainly a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They are still family, a great source of strength…Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement.”

           

Developing "Oneness" in Marriage

            President Henry B. Eyring in his talk, That We May Be One1, said, “Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity.” In a marriage this can be difficult to have at times. Satan tries to influence us to be separate and divided by doing our own agenda with little regard for our spouse. Elder Eyring went on to say, “Sometimes in our families and perhaps in other settings we have glimpsed life when one person put the interests of another above his or her own, in love and with sacrifice. And all of us know something of the sadness and loneliness of being separate and alone. We don’t need to be told which we should choose.”

            How can we achieve “oneness” in our marriage? In the world today this seems to be an impossible reality because Satan teaches this goes against an individual being independent and strong, achieving what their heart desires. In my marriage this has been a goal Dale and I set on our wedding day. We wanted to achieve the oneness we saw our parents developing in their marriages and the happiness and joy it brought them. In the past 36 years can I say it has been easy? No, I cannot? Can I say we are there yet? No, I can’t. But I can say we have tried hard and will continue to try hard by following the teachings of our Savior, Jesus Christ who commanded us to “become as one.” In John 17:18-21 our Savior was about to leave His most beloved Apostles when he offered this prayer to His Father. He said:

“As thou hast sent me into the world, even so have I also sent them into the world.

“And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth.

“Neither pray I for those alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word;

“That they may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me.”

            By living the gospel of Jesus Christ we can change our hearts and learn how to become as one in our marriages. Here are some thoughts from Elder Eyring on how living our Baptism Covenants can change our hearts:

•    “Where people have the Spirit with them, we may expect harmony… It leads to personal peace and a feeling of union with others.”

•    “We can have His Spirit by keeping that covenant (the baptism covenant of taking His name upon us)…The ideal of doing for each other what the Lord would have us do, which follows naturally from taking His name upon us, can take us to a spiritual level which is a touch of heaven on earth.”

•    “We promise always to remember Him…When the feelings of forgiveness and peace come, we remember His patience and His endless love.”

•    “We promise as we take the Sacrament to keep His commandments, all of them…There are some commandments which, when broken, destroy unity. Some have to do with what we say and some with how we react to what others say.”

•    “The Holy Ghost remains with us only if we stay clean and free from the love of the things of the world.”

•    “Beware of pride…A man and women learn to be one by using their similarities to understand each other and their differences to compliment each other in serving one another and those around them.”

            This is inspired counsel which can help all of us build a marriage where we continue to grow this “oneness.” I know living these principles has strengthened my marriage as we have dealt with the challenges of health issues, children, financial difficulties, job loss, taking care of parents, loss of parents, growing old and other issues which can drive wedges in a marriage. I love this promise Elder Eyring expressed when he said, “The requirement that we be one is not for this life alone. It is to be without end.”