Developing Healthy Ties With Our Extended Families

An article I read this week for my class was based on the scripture in Genesis 2:24 which says, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mothers, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Several excellent suggestions were given to help us navigate through our journey of marriage and form our own family unit while maintaining a healthy relationship with in-laws and extended family.1 A few I have found valuable during my marriage and my experience as an “in-law” are:

• Couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side. 
•  Counsel from outside sources should be considered prayerfully by both spouses together.
•  Parents give their children two things: roots to grow and wings to fly.
•  One of the great gifts parents-in-law can give to their married children is to recognize early that they must help define and protect the boundary of this new couple.
• Parents who try to create a climate of safety in which children can express their feelings about how involved they want to be will have the greatest potential for positive influence in their children’s and grandchildren’s lives.
•  Strong marriages are built by what couples choose to do once they are married and by what parents and siblings on both sides do to help support them.
•  While awkward at first, stronger bonds are formed when in-law children call their in-law parents Mom and Dad and get past the idea that this somehow compromises their loyalty to their own parents.

One of the greatest challenges Dale and I have experienced in our marriage is caring for our parents in their elderly years. If we had not established healthy ties with them and our siblings, this experience would possibly have damaged our marriage relationship because of the burdens and stresses associated with their care. During the past two decades Dale and I have heavily participated in the care of our parents in many different ways. Three of our loved ones have passed on during the last four years after years of health challenges. My father-in-law died at 92 after struggling with severe dementia and having to be moved to a care facility. The family had to provide someone with him 24 hours a day because the staff could not handle his behavior before he got to the point of receiving the medication you get at the end of life. My mother-in-law also was 92 when she passed on. She lived with family for 2-3 years and we all fixed her home up to get ready to sell during this time. It was a difficult, very emotional process. My Dad had a severe stroke suddenly and I was with him when this happened and stayed at the hospital for the next week with him, my Mom, and my siblings till he passed. My kids, as usual, took care of everything at home for me and Dale.

 My Mom is now 88 years old and I am her care-giver, which is a role I am so grateful to have. In spite of all the time and sacrifice which has often been challenging, neither Dale and I would take back one moment because of the precious memories we have to remember and cling to. Our five children were teenagers and entering into college, marriage and mission years when they had to start sharing us with the grandparents. They understood the needs of their grandparents and were often a part of their care. Dale parent’s and mine needed help with their yard work and doing chores so this was an additional responsibility our kids had. We also tried to continue including our parents in our kid’s activities, which meant picking them up and driving them home because they could not drive themselves. Dale’s parents lived 45 minutes away so this was not always an easy task. During the past 10 years I needed to drive my parents to their doctor appointments and to other places they either needed to or wanted to go. Usually we would go on an adventure a couple of times a month of their own choosing. Our kids had to understand the needs of the grandparents sometimes were more important than theirs. They were able to develop compassion and patience.

Hopefully when Dale and I get to the point when we will need help, our kids will step in and help us. Elder Marvin J. Ashton in his talk, He Took Them By The Hand 2, said “Certainly a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They are still family, a great source of strength…Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement.”