Resolving Conflicts in Marriage

Dale sharing some thoughts at our annual backyard campout

After being married for 36 years, Dale and I have worked through many conflicts over the years and, as a result, do not have many that bother either one us. But we also understand conflicts will continue to occur and we need to not have the attitude that “all is well.”

Our son and son-in-laws introduced Dale to a game they play on their phone and it is pretty addictive. Dale has used playing this game to relax and sometimes this has caused feelings of pressure and frustration between us. Since Dale concentrates fully on whatever he does, he is pretty single-minded and oblivious to what is going on around him when he plays. During family events and during our dates and other social events I have felt ignored while he is very happily engaged.

John Gottman in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, gives us a model to help resolve conflicts in a marriage. The steps are:

·      Soften your start-up.

·      Learn to make and receive repair attempts.

·      Soothe yourself and each other.

·      Compromise.

·      Process and grievances so that they don’t linger.

We decided to test this model and talk about this conflict which was new to our relationship. First, we brought up the subject while we were relaxed on our weekly date eating at one of our favorite restaurants. Dale explained to me the two reasons he plays his game, 1) To get away from stress and 2) Being bored. After a hectic day he finds it relaxing to play a few games and sometimes it helps him get ready for sleep. While waiting in lines or waiting in restaurants or airports it makes the time go by faster. As a result, Dale recognized he has developed a bad habit of pulling his phone out more often and sometimes it is not appropriate. I have felt embarrassment when he has played his game while we are visiting with extended family. During family events, when I am overwhelmed with meal preparation, I feel bad having to interrupt his playing to ask him to come help me.

Dale, after really listening to my feelings, recognized his behavior is causing me frustration. He also expressed how he often feels guilt every time he starts a new game. He would like to understand what would make the guilt go away so when he chooses to play it can be an enjoyable experience. Playing games does help him relax, especially after dealing with stress. I tried to restate how I perceived his feelings so I made sure to understand how deeply he has been hurt by my reactions. Dale felt I resented him for taking time to relax. Recognizing this helped me realize there were only a few times I felt resentment when he played. These times were when we were around our children and grandchildren and other social activities with extended family and friends and when we were on our dates. When we are hosting our family, I need to have him be available and able to jump in without having to be asked. When we are around extended family and friends, his game playing can create a perception he is bored with them and the conversation. I know he would not want to create offense. On our dates, I sometimes feel I am boring when he pulls out his phone while waiting for something.

During our discussion we actually felt the spirit as we were able to dig deeper in our communication to create solutions so we could further drive Satan out of our relationship. Dale would like to get his habit under control so it can continue being an enjoyment at appropriate times. I would like to encourage him in doing things he finds enjoyment in and not be a killjoy. I also would like his full attention during our dates and in social situations.

A few ideas we came up with for solving this conflict are:

•          While on dates we create a no non-emergency technology situation

•          Take turns coming up with topics to discuss on dates

•          During family events Dale will not play unless it is with the boys during appropriate times

•          While visiting with extended family or friends-no game playing

•          When I need attention at home, I need to be more direct and patient

            Just talking about our feelings and coming up with a plan helped diffuse the resentments we were both feeling. Gottman said, “One of the goals of this book is to guide partners toward expressing their negative emotions in ways that allow each other to listen without feeling attacked so that the message through in a manner that encourages healing rather than more hurt.”