Moving Forward After a Loss

            During the past two nights before our couple scripture and prayer time Dale and I took time to talk about what I read this week for school. I have been really excited to share with Dale the skills I am learning which can help us continue to improve our marriage. In John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work the “Marital Poop Detector” theory got us both laughing but we could see the effectiveness of it. Dr. Gottman said, “Every marriage should have a built-in-warning system that lets you know when your marital quality is in jeopardy. I call this system the Marital Poop Detector because it’s really a way of recognizing early whether something just doesn’t smell right.”

            Some of the questions we can talk about with each other to assess how things are going in our marriage right now so we avoid issues becoming problems are:

•            I wish we are closer right now.

•            There has been a lot of tension between us.

•            My spouses attention seems to be somewhere else.

•            We haven’t been communicating very well.

            We chose these particular issues because this past week has been difficult and extremely stressful for both of us and we have had these thoughts and feelings. My 88 year old Mom decided a week ago it was time for her to move into an assisted living situation. Through a few miracles we found her the right situation at the right place and we moved her in. Since my siblings live out of state this task fell on my husband and I and our kids. I have been helping accomplish this huge feat every day this past week and I am exhausted. Dale has helped move her as well as work with a son-in-law to put in a floor in his home. He is exhausted.

            We have found it is important during these times to reconnect and find ways to show support for one another. Talking to Dale about my marriage class these past few nights has  helped us open up. I was able to express to him how hard it has been to go through my parents possessions to help my Mom choose what to take to her much smaller apartment. I was flooded with thoughts of my Dad and how much I miss having him around. Experiencing this grieving again was overwhelming and I was having a hard time explaining this to Dale so I came across as distant and aloof. During this past week Dale was having major asthma problems because of all of the dust while laying the floor and I did not realize it had gotten as bad as it was. He just seemed to be cranky and impatient. We finally called the doctor and got him on a different inhaler and now he is feeling much better.

            I am grateful we recognized early “something just doesn’t smell right” and we “turned towards each other.” Gottman tells us, “Even making just a small and gentle shift in the trajectory of your marriage can have a dramatic, positive effect over time. The catch, of course, is that you have to build on the change and keep it going.”