Trust and Security in Marriage

Two words come to my mind as I think about intimacy in a marriage. They are trust and security. During courtship trust is built as a couple commits to waiting until after marriage to have sexual relations and they develop guidelines so they keep themselves from letting their desires and appetites get out of control. So far, I have been able to observe four of my children go through this process with their spouses and each couple set up similar “rules” so they would not get themselves into trouble. I don’t think they realized they were developing an important practice which would bless their marriages. They were having their own couple’s counsel and doing this strengthened their relationship and helped keep them safe from harm. Trust and feeling safe with each other was developed as they helped each other obey the guidelines they had established.

These feeling of trust and security carries on into marriage as sexual intimacy begins in a marriage. I love this description of what the purposes of sexual intimacy can be in a marriage as stated by Elder Holland in his talk, “Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments, “Such an act of love between a man and a woman is—or certainly was ordained to be—a symbol of total union: union of their hearts, their hopes, their lives, their love, their family, their future, their everything. It is a symbol that we try to suggest in the temple with a word like seal.”

I remember being told that one difference between men and woman was the word woman could mean “wo man”. Slow down. Brent Barlow in an article in the Ensign titled They Twain Shall Be One suggested, “For years it has been widely believed that men have the greater interest and drive towards sexual fulfillment. In addition, many women have been culturally conditioned to believe that their sexual inclinations are less than those of men—and if they are not, they should be or something is supposedly wrong. But recent research indicates that that capacity for sexual response in women is just as great, and in some cases even greater, than that of males. Recognizing this can help both partners be more aware of and sensitive to the other’s desires and expectations.”1 President Howard W. Hunter emphasized in his talk Follow The Son of God, “Tenderness and respect—never selfishness—must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife. Each partner must be considerate and sensitive to the other’s needs and desires. Any domineering, indecent, or uncontrolled behavior in the intimate relationship between husband and wife is condemned by the Lord.”2

Dale and I have had our difficulties with sexual intimacy over the years due to pregnancies, health issues, exhaustion from raising kids, busy schedules, and work trips for weeks at a time. We came to understand and value the importance of this aspect of our marriage. We have had to accommodate these challenges in many different ways which required good communication skills, patience, and greater love for one another. We had to keep our eye on the prize of an eternal marriage. It is easy to get caught up in the world's view of intimacy which makes you feel inadequate or a failure in your relationship with your spouse. The guidance I receive from the prophets and apostles have helped me understand this great gift our Heavenly Father has given us to bless and strengthen our marriage as well as provide children. Sexual intimacy is a blessing and worth keeping as a vibrant element of our marriage. Our relationship is always more balanced when we both are striving to keep each other happy. We are literally learning an aspect of becoming as one.

Elder Richard G. Scott in an article titled, Making The Right Choices, gives such loving counsel for all us when he said, “Within the enduring covenant of marriage, the Lord permits husband and wife the expression of the sacred procreative powers in all their loveliness and beauty within the bounds He has set. One purpose of this private, sacred, intimate experience is to provide the physical bodies for the spirits Father in Heaven wants to experience mortality. Another reason for these powerful and beautiful feelings of love is to bind husband and wife together in loyalty, fidelity, considerations of each other, and common purpose.”3