Developing Healthy Ties With Our Extended Families

An article I read this week for my class was based on the scripture in Genesis 2:24 which says, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mothers, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Several excellent suggestions were given to help us navigate through our journey of marriage and form our own family unit while maintaining a healthy relationship with in-laws and extended family.1 A few I have found valuable during my marriage and my experience as an “in-law” are:

• Couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side. 
•  Counsel from outside sources should be considered prayerfully by both spouses together.
•  Parents give their children two things: roots to grow and wings to fly.
•  One of the great gifts parents-in-law can give to their married children is to recognize early that they must help define and protect the boundary of this new couple.
• Parents who try to create a climate of safety in which children can express their feelings about how involved they want to be will have the greatest potential for positive influence in their children’s and grandchildren’s lives.
•  Strong marriages are built by what couples choose to do once they are married and by what parents and siblings on both sides do to help support them.
•  While awkward at first, stronger bonds are formed when in-law children call their in-law parents Mom and Dad and get past the idea that this somehow compromises their loyalty to their own parents.

One of the greatest challenges Dale and I have experienced in our marriage is caring for our parents in their elderly years. If we had not established healthy ties with them and our siblings, this experience would possibly have damaged our marriage relationship because of the burdens and stresses associated with their care. During the past two decades Dale and I have heavily participated in the care of our parents in many different ways. Three of our loved ones have passed on during the last four years after years of health challenges. My father-in-law died at 92 after struggling with severe dementia and having to be moved to a care facility. The family had to provide someone with him 24 hours a day because the staff could not handle his behavior before he got to the point of receiving the medication you get at the end of life. My mother-in-law also was 92 when she passed on. She lived with family for 2-3 years and we all fixed her home up to get ready to sell during this time. It was a difficult, very emotional process. My Dad had a severe stroke suddenly and I was with him when this happened and stayed at the hospital for the next week with him, my Mom, and my siblings till he passed. My kids, as usual, took care of everything at home for me and Dale.

 My Mom is now 88 years old and I am her care-giver, which is a role I am so grateful to have. In spite of all the time and sacrifice which has often been challenging, neither Dale and I would take back one moment because of the precious memories we have to remember and cling to. Our five children were teenagers and entering into college, marriage and mission years when they had to start sharing us with the grandparents. They understood the needs of their grandparents and were often a part of their care. Dale parent’s and mine needed help with their yard work and doing chores so this was an additional responsibility our kids had. We also tried to continue including our parents in our kid’s activities, which meant picking them up and driving them home because they could not drive themselves. Dale’s parents lived 45 minutes away so this was not always an easy task. During the past 10 years I needed to drive my parents to their doctor appointments and to other places they either needed to or wanted to go. Usually we would go on an adventure a couple of times a month of their own choosing. Our kids had to understand the needs of the grandparents sometimes were more important than theirs. They were able to develop compassion and patience.

Hopefully when Dale and I get to the point when we will need help, our kids will step in and help us. Elder Marvin J. Ashton in his talk, He Took Them By The Hand 2, said “Certainly a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They are still family, a great source of strength…Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement.”

           

Developing "Oneness" in Marriage

            President Henry B. Eyring in his talk, That We May Be One1, said, “Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity.” In a marriage this can be difficult to have at times. Satan tries to influence us to be separate and divided by doing our own agenda with little regard for our spouse. Elder Eyring went on to say, “Sometimes in our families and perhaps in other settings we have glimpsed life when one person put the interests of another above his or her own, in love and with sacrifice. And all of us know something of the sadness and loneliness of being separate and alone. We don’t need to be told which we should choose.”

            How can we achieve “oneness” in our marriage? In the world today this seems to be an impossible reality because Satan teaches this goes against an individual being independent and strong, achieving what their heart desires. In my marriage this has been a goal Dale and I set on our wedding day. We wanted to achieve the oneness we saw our parents developing in their marriages and the happiness and joy it brought them. In the past 36 years can I say it has been easy? No, I cannot? Can I say we are there yet? No, I can’t. But I can say we have tried hard and will continue to try hard by following the teachings of our Savior, Jesus Christ who commanded us to “become as one.” In John 17:18-21 our Savior was about to leave His most beloved Apostles when he offered this prayer to His Father. He said:

“As thou hast sent me into the world, even so have I also sent them into the world.

“And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth.

“Neither pray I for those alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word;

“That they may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me.”

            By living the gospel of Jesus Christ we can change our hearts and learn how to become as one in our marriages. Here are some thoughts from Elder Eyring on how living our Baptism Covenants can change our hearts:

•    “Where people have the Spirit with them, we may expect harmony… It leads to personal peace and a feeling of union with others.”

•    “We can have His Spirit by keeping that covenant (the baptism covenant of taking His name upon us)…The ideal of doing for each other what the Lord would have us do, which follows naturally from taking His name upon us, can take us to a spiritual level which is a touch of heaven on earth.”

•    “We promise always to remember Him…When the feelings of forgiveness and peace come, we remember His patience and His endless love.”

•    “We promise as we take the Sacrament to keep His commandments, all of them…There are some commandments which, when broken, destroy unity. Some have to do with what we say and some with how we react to what others say.”

•    “The Holy Ghost remains with us only if we stay clean and free from the love of the things of the world.”

•    “Beware of pride…A man and women learn to be one by using their similarities to understand each other and their differences to compliment each other in serving one another and those around them.”

            This is inspired counsel which can help all of us build a marriage where we continue to grow this “oneness.” I know living these principles has strengthened my marriage as we have dealt with the challenges of health issues, children, financial difficulties, job loss, taking care of parents, loss of parents, growing old and other issues which can drive wedges in a marriage. I love this promise Elder Eyring expressed when he said, “The requirement that we be one is not for this life alone. It is to be without end.”

           

Trust and Security in Marriage

Two words come to my mind as I think about intimacy in a marriage. They are trust and security. During courtship trust is built as a couple commits to waiting until after marriage to have sexual relations and they develop guidelines so they keep themselves from letting their desires and appetites get out of control. So far, I have been able to observe four of my children go through this process with their spouses and each couple set up similar “rules” so they would not get themselves into trouble. I don’t think they realized they were developing an important practice which would bless their marriages. They were having their own couple’s counsel and doing this strengthened their relationship and helped keep them safe from harm. Trust and feeling safe with each other was developed as they helped each other obey the guidelines they had established.

These feeling of trust and security carries on into marriage as sexual intimacy begins in a marriage. I love this description of what the purposes of sexual intimacy can be in a marriage as stated by Elder Holland in his talk, “Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments, “Such an act of love between a man and a woman is—or certainly was ordained to be—a symbol of total union: union of their hearts, their hopes, their lives, their love, their family, their future, their everything. It is a symbol that we try to suggest in the temple with a word like seal.”

I remember being told that one difference between men and woman was the word woman could mean “wo man”. Slow down. Brent Barlow in an article in the Ensign titled They Twain Shall Be One suggested, “For years it has been widely believed that men have the greater interest and drive towards sexual fulfillment. In addition, many women have been culturally conditioned to believe that their sexual inclinations are less than those of men—and if they are not, they should be or something is supposedly wrong. But recent research indicates that that capacity for sexual response in women is just as great, and in some cases even greater, than that of males. Recognizing this can help both partners be more aware of and sensitive to the other’s desires and expectations.”1 President Howard W. Hunter emphasized in his talk Follow The Son of God, “Tenderness and respect—never selfishness—must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife. Each partner must be considerate and sensitive to the other’s needs and desires. Any domineering, indecent, or uncontrolled behavior in the intimate relationship between husband and wife is condemned by the Lord.”2

Dale and I have had our difficulties with sexual intimacy over the years due to pregnancies, health issues, exhaustion from raising kids, busy schedules, and work trips for weeks at a time. We came to understand and value the importance of this aspect of our marriage. We have had to accommodate these challenges in many different ways which required good communication skills, patience, and greater love for one another. We had to keep our eye on the prize of an eternal marriage. It is easy to get caught up in the world's view of intimacy which makes you feel inadequate or a failure in your relationship with your spouse. The guidance I receive from the prophets and apostles have helped me understand this great gift our Heavenly Father has given us to bless and strengthen our marriage as well as provide children. Sexual intimacy is a blessing and worth keeping as a vibrant element of our marriage. Our relationship is always more balanced when we both are striving to keep each other happy. We are literally learning an aspect of becoming as one.

Elder Richard G. Scott in an article titled, Making The Right Choices, gives such loving counsel for all us when he said, “Within the enduring covenant of marriage, the Lord permits husband and wife the expression of the sacred procreative powers in all their loveliness and beauty within the bounds He has set. One purpose of this private, sacred, intimate experience is to provide the physical bodies for the spirits Father in Heaven wants to experience mortality. Another reason for these powerful and beautiful feelings of love is to bind husband and wife together in loyalty, fidelity, considerations of each other, and common purpose.”3

Moving Forward After a Loss

            During the past two nights before our couple scripture and prayer time Dale and I took time to talk about what I read this week for school. I have been really excited to share with Dale the skills I am learning which can help us continue to improve our marriage. In John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work the “Marital Poop Detector” theory got us both laughing but we could see the effectiveness of it. Dr. Gottman said, “Every marriage should have a built-in-warning system that lets you know when your marital quality is in jeopardy. I call this system the Marital Poop Detector because it’s really a way of recognizing early whether something just doesn’t smell right.”

            Some of the questions we can talk about with each other to assess how things are going in our marriage right now so we avoid issues becoming problems are:

•            I wish we are closer right now.

•            There has been a lot of tension between us.

•            My spouses attention seems to be somewhere else.

•            We haven’t been communicating very well.

            We chose these particular issues because this past week has been difficult and extremely stressful for both of us and we have had these thoughts and feelings. My 88 year old Mom decided a week ago it was time for her to move into an assisted living situation. Through a few miracles we found her the right situation at the right place and we moved her in. Since my siblings live out of state this task fell on my husband and I and our kids. I have been helping accomplish this huge feat every day this past week and I am exhausted. Dale has helped move her as well as work with a son-in-law to put in a floor in his home. He is exhausted.

            We have found it is important during these times to reconnect and find ways to show support for one another. Talking to Dale about my marriage class these past few nights has  helped us open up. I was able to express to him how hard it has been to go through my parents possessions to help my Mom choose what to take to her much smaller apartment. I was flooded with thoughts of my Dad and how much I miss having him around. Experiencing this grieving again was overwhelming and I was having a hard time explaining this to Dale so I came across as distant and aloof. During this past week Dale was having major asthma problems because of all of the dust while laying the floor and I did not realize it had gotten as bad as it was. He just seemed to be cranky and impatient. We finally called the doctor and got him on a different inhaler and now he is feeling much better.

            I am grateful we recognized early “something just doesn’t smell right” and we “turned towards each other.” Gottman tells us, “Even making just a small and gentle shift in the trajectory of your marriage can have a dramatic, positive effect over time. The catch, of course, is that you have to build on the change and keep it going.”

           

           

Resolving Conflicts in Marriage

Dale sharing some thoughts at our annual backyard campout

After being married for 36 years, Dale and I have worked through many conflicts over the years and, as a result, do not have many that bother either one us. But we also understand conflicts will continue to occur and we need to not have the attitude that “all is well.”

Our son and son-in-laws introduced Dale to a game they play on their phone and it is pretty addictive. Dale has used playing this game to relax and sometimes this has caused feelings of pressure and frustration between us. Since Dale concentrates fully on whatever he does, he is pretty single-minded and oblivious to what is going on around him when he plays. During family events and during our dates and other social events I have felt ignored while he is very happily engaged.

John Gottman in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, gives us a model to help resolve conflicts in a marriage. The steps are:

·      Soften your start-up.

·      Learn to make and receive repair attempts.

·      Soothe yourself and each other.

·      Compromise.

·      Process and grievances so that they don’t linger.

We decided to test this model and talk about this conflict which was new to our relationship. First, we brought up the subject while we were relaxed on our weekly date eating at one of our favorite restaurants. Dale explained to me the two reasons he plays his game, 1) To get away from stress and 2) Being bored. After a hectic day he finds it relaxing to play a few games and sometimes it helps him get ready for sleep. While waiting in lines or waiting in restaurants or airports it makes the time go by faster. As a result, Dale recognized he has developed a bad habit of pulling his phone out more often and sometimes it is not appropriate. I have felt embarrassment when he has played his game while we are visiting with extended family. During family events, when I am overwhelmed with meal preparation, I feel bad having to interrupt his playing to ask him to come help me.

Dale, after really listening to my feelings, recognized his behavior is causing me frustration. He also expressed how he often feels guilt every time he starts a new game. He would like to understand what would make the guilt go away so when he chooses to play it can be an enjoyable experience. Playing games does help him relax, especially after dealing with stress. I tried to restate how I perceived his feelings so I made sure to understand how deeply he has been hurt by my reactions. Dale felt I resented him for taking time to relax. Recognizing this helped me realize there were only a few times I felt resentment when he played. These times were when we were around our children and grandchildren and other social activities with extended family and friends and when we were on our dates. When we are hosting our family, I need to have him be available and able to jump in without having to be asked. When we are around extended family and friends, his game playing can create a perception he is bored with them and the conversation. I know he would not want to create offense. On our dates, I sometimes feel I am boring when he pulls out his phone while waiting for something.

During our discussion we actually felt the spirit as we were able to dig deeper in our communication to create solutions so we could further drive Satan out of our relationship. Dale would like to get his habit under control so it can continue being an enjoyment at appropriate times. I would like to encourage him in doing things he finds enjoyment in and not be a killjoy. I also would like his full attention during our dates and in social situations.

A few ideas we came up with for solving this conflict are:

•          While on dates we create a no non-emergency technology situation

•          Take turns coming up with topics to discuss on dates

•          During family events Dale will not play unless it is with the boys during appropriate times

•          While visiting with extended family or friends-no game playing

•          When I need attention at home, I need to be more direct and patient

            Just talking about our feelings and coming up with a plan helped diffuse the resentments we were both feeling. Gottman said, “One of the goals of this book is to guide partners toward expressing their negative emotions in ways that allow each other to listen without feeling attacked so that the message through in a manner that encourages healing rather than more hurt.”